The Conceiving of the Un-conceivable baby.

*originally posted on Cafemom 

We have wanted another baby for 5 years now, no luck. Let me explain…..

I have a 9 yr old and my hubby has a 10 and 12 yr old. We got together 7 yrs ago and almost immediately became pregnant. About 2 months along we found out I was pregnant and only four short weeks later, my 3 month mark, we miscarried. It was so horrible.

The doctors said the baby quit growing at 4 weeks along and my body went 12 weeks. Which meant, when we found out I was pregnant, the baby was already gone.

It just tore me up so bad. I had just gotten to the point where having the baby made me happy. Not that it always didn’t, but we just hadn’t been together long when we found out, so it scared me alittle. I wasn’t sure I was even ready for another baby. (Brianna was only 2)

Anyways, here we were, devastated about this miscarriage. It almost tore us apart. The depression I went through while longing for a baby that was no more, the mood swings I had while trying to regain my composure and move on, the feelings of anger I harbored against myself, against him, even against all the doctors. It took me so long to get over the feelings that consumed me. I gained about 80lbs. Which I have still been unable to lose. (I have lost 35lbs recently. Woo hoo!) I slept all the time…day and night, cried alot….over just about anything, it was just a really bad ordeal all the way around.

But we made it. We survived it and it made us stronger, closer, more in love with each other. But, oh how we longed for a baby. A child we could share with each other, bond over, raise together. It is just something we felt (and still feel) we were lacking.

I love his girls and I know he loves mine. He has raised her as his own most of her life. But I want….I need….to share that with him. I didn’t get the opportunity to experience sharing it with someone. Don’t get me wrong, I did have family and friends, of course, to help me through it. But no one special, no one I loved, no one that…..I don’t know…..

(sigh)

Now I have this emptiness….this hole inside of me I can’t seem to fill. No matter what we do, no baby. No matter how hard we try, no baby. No matter how much we pray, no baby.

Now given, we are not rich folk, we don’t have money to throw around on fertility test, drugs, special physicians, ect. But the things we can do, we have. Or atleast the ones we have knowledge of.

See, I have medicaid. Which, in the state of Indiana, means: “We will not help you conceive another child you can’t afford.”  But of course, we will do what we can to keep you healthy. Which did come in handy, I must admit.

See…..

When I was a teen, and first began my menstrual, I was quite heavy. So it was never normal or on track. However, at 16 I lost about 80-90lbs. and it became normal. It stayed that way for awhile, atleast while I kept the weight off. But, once the weight came back, the periods went whack. (lol)

So anyways, because of the periods, or lack there of, the doctors were able to check some things. Don’t get me wrong, they couldn’t do any fertility test, but they could check blood work, paps, pelvics, hormone levels, etc…to make sure I was healthy…….

So, all my levels came back normal, blood work was good, pelvics and paps went great, without a smidgen of problems. One doctor even stated (quite proudly I might add) that I had a remarkable uterus. (Mmm, ok! What the hell does that mean and should I feel violated? lol)

They couldn’t find anything at all wrong with me……..”WHAT?”…..I asked myself. How can that be? How can they say nothing is wrong with me? Something must be wrong if I can’t conceive.

Their answer: ….Well it must be my weight!!! That has to be it……Now I realize I am a big girl, I know this, I can see in the mirror. But come on, I have known, seen, and heard of women much, much bigger than me who have conceived and had children. Seriously people. Come one now.

So what that meant, in laments terms, we don’t know what the hell the problem is or what the hell is wrong with you, but we can’t say that so, “You’re just too damn fat!”

Ok, so on with this story…..my hubby, poor hubby…..we can’t afford for him to have his count tested. So he worries it is him. But how can that be when he has children?…. Now I have heard that there are home kits you can use to test it…. but Ewww! …. lol …. However, at this point it is whatever we can do.

On to other things we have done to try to conceive…..We have had unprotected (monogamous) sex for  7 years. We don’t use lubricants, because we have heard it can sometimes kill off the sperm or prevent conception. As silly as it sounds, we have tried the legs in the air afterwards idea, every position heard of by man, twice a day, even tried to watch and understand the change in my cervical mucus….(what a weird and nasty thing to do. lol) But with no luck.

Now here we are… still struggling to Conceive the Un-conceivable baby! With no end in sight!!

Published in: on February 24, 2007 at 2:11 am  Comments (1)